{"id":1054,"date":"2026-09-29T20:46:02","date_gmt":"2026-09-29T20:46:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42.jpg"},"modified":"2026-09-29T20:46:04","modified_gmt":"2026-09-29T20:46:04","slug":"42","status":"inherit","type":"attachment","link":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/42-yasinda-dul-kaldim-benden-yasca-kucuk-koyun-erkegiyle\/attachment\/42\/","title":{"rendered":"42"},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":[],"class_list":["post-1054","attachment","type-attachment","status-inherit","hentry"],"description":{"rendered":"<p class=\"attachment\"><a href='https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42.jpg'><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42-300x300.jpg\" class=\"attachment-medium size-medium\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42-300x300.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n"},"caption":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cYa\u015f\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 alm\u0131\u015f kad\u0131n\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Di\u011feri g\u00fcld\u00fc.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u00c7ocuk ya\u015f\u0131ndaki adama g\u00f6z koymu\u015f.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Eve d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde \u00f6fkeden ellerim titriyordu.<\/p>\n<p>O g\u00fcnden sonra Baran geldi\u011finde kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7mamaya ba\u015flad\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>\u00dc\u00e7 g\u00fcn boyunca beni g\u00f6rmedi.<\/p>\n<p>D\u00f6rd\u00fcnc\u00fc ak\u015fam kap\u0131m \u00e7al\u0131nd\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>A\u00e7mad\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>Bir daha \u00e7ald\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Sonunda dayanamad\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>Kap\u0131y\u0131 aralad\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kar\u015f\u0131mdaki y\u00fcz ifadesi g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemiyordu.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBenden neden ka\u00e7\u0131yorsun?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cKa\u00e7m\u0131yorum.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cD\u00f6rt g\u00fcnd\u00fcr perdeyi aralay\u0131p bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Utanc\u0131mdan y\u00fcz\u00fcm k\u0131zard\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u0130nsanlar konu\u015fuyor.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Baran birka\u00e7 saniye sustu.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u0130nsanlar sen kocanla ya\u015farken de konu\u015fuyordu. Dul kal\u0131nca da konu\u015ftular. Yar\u0131n ba\u015fka bir \u015fey bulurlar.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSen anlamazs\u0131n.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNeyi anlamam?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen k\u0131rk iki ya\u015f\u0131nday\u0131m.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Baran ka\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 hafif\u00e7e kald\u0131rd\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBiliyorum.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSen otuz \u00fc\u00e7s\u00fcn.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOnu da biliyorum.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Sesimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrd\u00fcm.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBu k\u00f6yde b\u00f6yle \u015fey olmaz.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Baran bir ad\u0131m yakla\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Aram\u0131zda yaln\u0131zca kap\u0131n\u0131n e\u015fi\u011fi kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPeki sen ne istiyorsun?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Cevap veremedim.<\/p>\n<p>\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ilk defa biri bana bunu soruyordu.<\/p>\n<p>Ba\u015fkalar\u0131 ne ister, aile ne der, k\u00f6y ne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr de\u011fil\u2026<\/p>\n<p>Ben ne istiyordum?<\/p>\n<p>Baran g\u00f6zlerimin i\u00e7ine bakarak konu\u015ftu.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen senden utanm\u0131yorum, G\u00fclseren.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kalbim h\u0131zland\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen utan\u0131yorum.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNeden?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Devam\u0131n\u0131 getiremedim.<\/p>\n<p>Baran\u2019\u0131n sesi yumu\u015fad\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc birisinin seni yeniden istemesi sana yanl\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015f gibi geliyor.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>O c\u00fcmle b\u00fct\u00fcn savunmam\u0131 y\u0131kt\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>G\u00f6zlerimi yere indirdim.<\/p>\n<p>Baran y\u00fcz\u00fcme dokunmad\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Beni kendine \u00e7ekmedi.<\/p>\n<p>Sadece kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde durup bekledi.<\/p>\n<p>Karar\u0131 bana b\u0131rakt\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Ben kap\u0131y\u0131 biraz daha a\u00e7t\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u00c7ay i\u00e7er misin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Y\u00fcz\u00fcnde belli belirsiz bir g\u00fcl\u00fcmseme olu\u015ftu.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u0130\u00e7erim.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>O gece mutfakta saatlerce konu\u015ftuk.<\/p>\n<p>Gen\u00e7li\u011fimden\u2026<\/p>\n<p>Onun \u015fehirde ge\u00e7irdi\u011fi y\u0131llardan\u2026<\/p>\n<p>Kocamla evlili\u011fimden\u2026<\/p>\n<p>Baran bir ara sordu:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMutlu muydun?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Uzun s\u00fcre cevap veremedim.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBazen.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPeki sevildi\u011fini hissediyor muydun?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u0130\u015fte o soruya verecek cevab\u0131m yoktu.<\/p>\n<p>Gece ilerledi\u011finde elektrikler kesildi.<\/p>\n<p>Mutfakta yaln\u0131zca masan\u0131n \u00fczerindeki gaz lambas\u0131 yan\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n<p>Baran kar\u015f\u0131mdaki sandalyeden kalkt\u0131 ve pencereye y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fc.<\/p>\n<p>Ya\u011fmur ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBu havada gidemezsin,\u201d dedim.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u0130stersen giderim.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Gitmesini istemiyordum.<\/p>\n<p>Bunu s\u00f6ylemek ise y\u0131llard\u0131r kapal\u0131 tuttu\u011fum bir kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7mak gibiydi.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cKal.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Baran bana d\u00f6nd\u00fc.<\/p>\n<p>O tek kelimenin ne anlama geldi\u011fini ikimiz de biliyorduk.<\/p>\n<p>Yan\u0131ma geldi.<\/p>\n<p>Kalbim o kadar h\u0131zl\u0131 at\u0131yordu ki duyaca\u011f\u0131ndan korktum.<\/p>\n<p>Elimi tuttu.<\/p>\n<p>Parmaklar\u0131 s\u0131cak ve nas\u0131rl\u0131yd\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Sonra y\u00fcz\u00fcme uzun uzun bakt\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBir \u015fey s\u00f6yleyece\u011fim.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cS\u00f6yle.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSen kendini ya\u015fl\u0131 san\u0131yorsun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>G\u00fcl\u00fcmsedim.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDe\u011fil miyim?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHay\u0131r.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Biraz daha yakla\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSen sadece uzun zamand\u0131r kimsenin sana g\u00fczel oldu\u011funu s\u00f6ylemedi\u011fi bir kad\u0131ns\u0131n.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>G\u00f6zlerim doldu.<\/p>\n<p>Baran yana\u011f\u0131mdaki bir damla ya\u015f\u0131 ba\u015fparma\u011f\u0131yla sildi.<\/p>\n<p>Sonra beni \u00f6pt\u00fc.<\/p>\n<p>Acele etmeden.<\/p>\n<p>Sanki k\u0131r\u0131lacak bir \u015feye dokunur gibi.<\/p>\n<p>O \u00f6p\u00fcc\u00fckte gen\u00e7lik heyecan\u0131ndan \u00e7ok daha derin bir \u015fey vard\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Y\u0131llard\u0131r i\u00e7imde susturdu\u011fum kad\u0131n yeniden nefes alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>O gece Baran yan\u0131mda kald\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Sabaha kadar konu\u015ftuk, bazen sustuk, bazen yaln\u0131zca birbirimize bakt\u0131k.<\/p>\n<p>G\u00fcne\u015f do\u011farken ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcne yaslam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>\u0130\u00e7imde \u015fa\u015f\u0131rt\u0131c\u0131 bir huzur vard\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Ama as\u0131l s\u0131nav\u0131m\u0131z bundan sonra ba\u015flad\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>K\u00f6yde s\u00f6ylentiler b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc.<\/p>\n<p>Baran\u2019\u0131n annesi bile bir g\u00fcn kap\u0131ma geldi.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cO\u011flum gen\u00e7,\u201d dedi. \u201c\u00c7ocuk ister, aile ister. Sen ona bunlar\u0131 verebilir misin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>S\u00f6zleri can\u0131m\u0131 ac\u0131tt\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>O ak\u015fam Baran\u2019a ili\u015fkimizi bitirmek istedi\u011fimi s\u00f6yledim.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSenin hayat\u0131n\u0131 ba\u011flamaya hakk\u0131m yok.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Baran uzun s\u00fcre y\u00fcz\u00fcme bakt\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>Sonra cebinden k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir anahtar \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBu ne?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cKar\u015f\u0131daki evin anahtar\u0131.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cElbette biliyorum.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYar\u0131n marangoz geliyor. \u00dcst kattaki oday\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fma odas\u0131 yapacak.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u015ea\u015fk\u0131nl\u0131kla bakt\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBana niye anlat\u0131yorsun?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Baran g\u00fcl\u00fcmsedi.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc oray\u0131 senin i\u00e7in haz\u0131rl\u0131yorum.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNeden?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSen y\u0131llard\u0131r diki\u015f dikmek istedi\u011fini s\u00f6yledin. Kendine ait bir oda istedi\u011fini de.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bo\u011faz\u0131m d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmlendi.<\/p>\n<p>Baran devam etti:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen senden gen\u00e7li\u011fimi kurtarman\u0131 istemiyorum, G\u00fclseren. Ben seninle bir hayat kurmak istiyorum.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alt\u0131 ay sonra nik\u00e2h masas\u0131na oturduk.<\/p>\n<p>K\u00f6yde konu\u015fanlar yine konu\u015ftu.<\/p>\n<p>Baz\u0131lar\u0131 davetimize bile gelmedi.<\/p>\n<p>Ama zamanla sesleri azald\u0131.<\/p>\n<p>\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc mutluluk, hakk\u0131nda konu\u015fulan bir \u015fey olmaktan \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p g\u00f6zle g\u00f6r\u00fclen bir \u015feye d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc.<\/p>\n<p>Bug\u00fcn k\u0131rk yedi ya\u015f\u0131nday\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>Baran otuz sekiz.<\/p>\n<p>H\u00e2l\u00e2 bazen ya\u015f fark\u0131m\u0131zla ilgili \u015fakala\u015f\u0131yoruz.<\/p>\n<p>Ben \u00fcst kattaki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck at\u00f6lyemde diki\u015f dikiyorum. Baran bah\u00e7eden d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde merdivenin ba\u015f\u0131nda durup h\u00e2l\u00e2 ilk g\u00fcnk\u00fc gibi bana bak\u0131yor.<\/p>\n<p>Ge\u00e7en hafta ona sordum:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBende ilk neyi sevmi\u015ftin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden cevap verdi.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cG\u00f6zlerini.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSonra?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cElini tutunca b\u0131rakmaman\u0131.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>G\u00fcl\u00fcmsedim.<\/p>\n<p>Sonra ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 omzuna yaslad\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>K\u0131rk iki ya\u015f\u0131nda dul kald\u0131\u011f\u0131mda hayat\u0131m\u0131n sona erdi\u011fini sanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.<\/p>\n<p>Me\u011fer biten hayat\u0131m de\u011filmi\u015f.<\/p>\n<p>Sadece ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n benden bekledi\u011fi hayatm\u0131\u015f.<\/p>\n<p>Ve Baran bana gen\u00e7li\u011fimi geri vermedi.<\/p>\n<p>\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc gen\u00e7li\u011fimi geri almaya ihtiyac\u0131m yoktu.<\/p>\n<p>O bana \u00e7ok daha de\u011ferli bir \u015feyi hat\u0131rlatt\u0131:<\/p>\n<p>Bir kad\u0131n\u0131n sevilmek, arzulanmak ve yeniden ba\u015flayabilmek i\u00e7in belli bir ya\u015fta olmas\u0131 gerekmedi\u011fini.<\/p>\n"},"alt_text":"","media_type":"image","mime_type":"image\/jpeg","media_details":{"width":768,"height":768,"file":"2026\/09\/42.jpg","filesize":79193,"sizes":{"medium":{"file":"42-300x300.jpg","width":300,"height":300,"filesize":17111,"mime_type":"image\/jpeg","source_url":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42-300x300.jpg"},"thumbnail":{"file":"42-150x150.jpg","width":150,"height":150,"filesize":5499,"mime_type":"image\/jpeg","source_url":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42-150x150.jpg"},"full":{"file":"42.jpg","width":768,"height":768,"mime_type":"image\/jpeg","source_url":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42.jpg"}},"image_meta":{"aperture":"0","credit":"","camera":"","caption":"","created_timestamp":"0","copyright":"","focal_length":"0","iso":"0","shutter_speed":"0","title":"","orientation":"0","keywords":[],"alt":""}},"post":1052,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/42.jpg","filename":"42.jpg","filesize":79193,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1054","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/attachment"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1054"}],"wp:attached-to":[{"embeddable":true,"post_type":"post","id":1052,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1052"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}