{"id":697,"date":"2026-09-21T19:24:49","date_gmt":"2026-09-21T19:24:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/834623r-1.jpg"},"modified":"2026-09-21T19:25:22","modified_gmt":"2026-09-21T19:25:22","slug":"834623r-2","status":"inherit","type":"attachment","link":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/olmek-uzere-olan-karim-son-istegi-olarak-ilk-askimi-bulmami-istedi-nedenini-ogrendigimde-dizlerimin-bagi-cozuldu\/834623r-2\/","title":{"rendered":"\u00d6LMEK \u00dcZERE OLAN KARIM SON \u0130STE\u011e\u0130 OLARAK \u0130LK A\u015eKIMI BULMAMI \u0130STED\u0130 \u2014 NEDEN\u0130N\u0130 \u00d6\u011eREND\u0130\u011e\u0130MDE D\u0130ZLER\u0130M\u0130N BA\u011eI \u00c7\u00d6Z\u00dcLD\u00dc."},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":[],"class_list":["post-697","attachment","type-attachment","status-inherit","hentry"],"description":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n"},"caption":{"rendered":"

Zarf\u0131n \u00fczerinde benim ismim yaz\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n

Alt\u0131nda y\u0131llar \u00f6nce \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015firketin adresi vard\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cBu mektubun bir kopyas\u0131.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ellerim titreyerek zarf\u0131 ald\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Nalan devam etti.<\/p>\n

\u201cAsl\u0131n\u0131 \u015firketine g\u00f6nderdim. \u0130\u00e7ine telefon numaram\u0131, kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m adresi ve hamile oldu\u011fumu yazd\u0131m.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMektup bana hi\u00e7 ula\u015fmad\u0131.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc Jale alm\u0131\u015f.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 kald\u0131rd\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Nalan\u2019\u0131n s\u00f6yledi\u011fi o tek c\u00fcmle, kar\u0131mla ge\u00e7irdi\u011fim otuz alt\u0131 y\u0131l\u0131n \u00fczerine karanl\u0131k bir g\u00f6lge d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrd\u00fc.<\/p>\n

\u201cNereden biliyorsun?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc y\u0131llar sonra bana kendisi s\u00f6yledi.\u201d<\/p>\n

Donup kald\u0131m.<\/p>\n

\u201cJale seninle tekrar m\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nalan ba\u015f\u0131yla onaylad\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cYakla\u015f\u0131k on be\u015f y\u0131l \u00f6nce.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u0130nanam\u0131yordum.<\/p>\n

\u201cBana neden s\u00f6ylemediniz?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nalan aya\u011fa kalk\u0131p koridordaki dolaba y\u00f6neldi.<\/p>\n

Birka\u00e7 saniye sonra elinde k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck metal bir kutuyla geri d\u00f6nd\u00fc.<\/p>\n

Kutuyu masan\u0131n \u00fczerine b\u0131rakt\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u0130\u00e7inden eski foto\u011fraflar ve bir mektup \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cJale bir g\u00fcn kap\u0131ma geldi. A\u011fl\u0131yordu. O mektubu y\u0131llar \u00f6nce \u015firketin posta b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcnden ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 itiraf etti.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNas\u0131l?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOrada \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan bir arkada\u015f\u0131ndan rica etmi\u015f. Zarf\u0131n \u00fczerinde senin ad\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcnce mektubu alm\u0131\u015f. Okumu\u015f. Sonra da yok etmi\u015f.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sandalyeye \u00e7\u00f6kt\u00fcm.<\/p>\n

\u00d6fkeliydim.<\/p>\n

Ama ayn\u0131 zamanda inan\u0131lmaz bir ac\u0131 hissediyordum.<\/p>\n

\u201cBunu neden yapt\u0131?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nalan bana uzun uzun bakt\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc sana \u00e2\u015f\u0131kt\u0131.\u201d<\/p>\n

G\u00f6zlerimi kapatt\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Bir insan\u0131n sevgisinin b\u00f6yle bir \u015feye d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015febilece\u011fini kabullenmek istemiyordum.<\/p>\n

\u201cBeni kaybetmekten korkmu\u015f,\u201d dedi Nalan. \u201cBen seni bulursam onun hayat\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015f.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNalan\u2026 \u00e7ocuk?\u201d<\/p>\n

As\u0131l soruyu nihayet sorabilmi\u015ftim.<\/p>\n

Nalan\u2019\u0131n y\u00fcz\u00fc de\u011fi\u015fti.<\/p>\n

G\u00f6zleri kap\u0131ya kayd\u0131.<\/p>\n

Tam o s\u0131rada d\u0131\u015far\u0131dan bir araban\u0131n sesi geldi.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c7ocu\u011fumuz nerede?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nalan cevap vermedi.<\/p>\n

Kap\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131.<\/p>\n

Koridordan bir erkek sesi duyuldu.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnne, geldim.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kalbim duracak gibi oldu.<\/p>\n

Nalan\u2019\u0131n g\u00f6zlerinden ya\u015flar akmaya ba\u015flad\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cBuraya gel, Caner.\u201d<\/p>\n

K\u0131rkl\u0131 ya\u015flar\u0131nda bir adam salona girdi.<\/p>\n

Beni g\u00f6r\u00fcnce durdu.<\/p>\n

Uzun boyluydu.<\/p>\n

Sa\u00e7lar\u0131na hafif k\u0131r d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc.<\/p>\n

Ama ben y\u00fcz\u00fcne bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m anda nefes alamad\u0131m.<\/p>\n

\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc kar\u015f\u0131mda yabanc\u0131 biri yoktu.<\/p>\n

Gen\u00e7li\u011fimin aynas\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum.<\/p>\n

Ka\u015flar\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u00c7enesi.<\/p>\n

G\u00fclmedi\u011fi zaman dudaklar\u0131n\u0131n ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 o sert \u015fekil.<\/p>\n

Hatta sol yana\u011f\u0131n\u0131n kenar\u0131ndaki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck \u00e7ukur bile.<\/p>\n

Benimkiyle ayn\u0131yd\u0131.<\/p>\n

Caner bana, sonra annesine bakt\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cNe oluyor?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nalan aya\u011fa kalkt\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cCaner\u2026 y\u0131llard\u0131r sana baban\u0131n seni istemedi\u011fini s\u00f6yledim.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u0131n y\u00fcz\u00fc gerildi.<\/p>\n

\u201cEvet.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nalan a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cBu do\u011fru de\u011fildi.\u201d<\/p>\n

Caner bana bakt\u0131.<\/p>\n

Ben aya\u011fa kalkmak istedim ama dizlerim beni ta\u015f\u0131mad\u0131.<\/p>\n

Ger\u00e7ekten de dizlerimin ba\u011f\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fclm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc.<\/p>\n

Nalan titreyen bir sesle:<\/p>\n

\u201cBaban seni hi\u00e7 \u00f6\u011frenmedi,\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n

Caner\u2019in g\u00f6zleri b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc.<\/p>\n

Sonra bana bakt\u0131.<\/p>\n

Uzun s\u00fcre ikimiz de konu\u015famad\u0131k.<\/p>\n

Sonunda g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fckle:<\/p>\n

\u201cBen\u2026 senin baban\u0131m,\u201d dedim.<\/p>\n

Caner geri \u00e7ekildi.<\/p>\n

\u201cHay\u0131r.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBiliyorum. Buna inanmak zorunda de\u011filsin.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnnemi hamileyken b\u0131rak\u0131p gitti\u011fini s\u00f6ylediler.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nalan ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 e\u011fdi.<\/p>\n

\u201cO da \u00f6yle san\u0131yordu.\u201d<\/p>\n

Caner \u00f6fkeyle annesine d\u00f6nd\u00fc.<\/p>\n

\u201cKim s\u00f6ylediler?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJale.\u201d<\/p>\n

Odan\u0131n i\u00e7ine a\u011f\u0131r bir sessizlik \u00e7\u00f6kt\u00fc.<\/p>\n

Sonraki iki saat boyunca Nalan her \u015feyi anlatt\u0131.<\/p>\n

Jale\u2019nin y\u0131llar sonra pi\u015fmanl\u0131k i\u00e7inde geli\u015fini.<\/p>\n

Caner\u2019i uzaktan birka\u00e7 kez g\u00f6rmek istedi\u011fini.<\/p>\n

Ama Nalan\u2019\u0131n buna izin vermedi\u011fini.<\/p>\n

Jale\u2019nin sonunda kendisine bir s\u00f6z verdi\u011fini.<\/p>\n

\u201cBir g\u00fcn ger\u00e7e\u011fi ona anlataca\u011f\u0131m.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fakat y\u0131llar ge\u00e7mi\u015fti.<\/p>\n

Jale cesaret edememi\u015fti.<\/p>\n

Ta ki \u00f6l\u00fcm d\u00f6\u015fe\u011fine yatana kadar.<\/p>\n

Nalan bana son mektubu uzatt\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cBunu ge\u00e7en ay g\u00f6nderdi.\u201d<\/p>\n

Zarf\u0131n \u00fczerinde Jale\u2019nin el yaz\u0131s\u0131 vard\u0131.<\/p>\n

A\u00e7t\u0131m.<\/p>\n

\u0130\u00e7inde yaln\u0131zca birka\u00e7 sat\u0131r vard\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cBiliyorum, affedilmeyi hak etmiyorum. Onun hayat\u0131ndan bir evlat \u00e7ald\u0131m. Senin hayat\u0131ndan da bir baba. Bunu geri getiremem. Ama \u00f6lmeden \u00f6nce yapabilece\u011fim tek \u015fey, sizi birbirinize g\u00f6t\u00fcrmek. Ne olur ona ger\u00e7e\u011fi anlat.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mektubu okurken g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 durduramad\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Jale\u2019ye \u00f6fkeliydim.<\/p>\n

Belki hayat\u0131m boyunca da tamamen affedemeyecektim.<\/p>\n

Ama onun son g\u00fcnlerinde neden y\u00fcz\u00fcme bakamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 art\u0131k anl\u0131yordum.<\/p>\n

Caner h\u00e2l\u00e2 kar\u015f\u0131mda duruyordu.<\/p>\n

Ona yakla\u015ft\u0131m.<\/p>\n

\u201cSenden hi\u00e7bir \u015fey istemiyorum,\u201d dedim. \u201cBeni baban olarak kabul etmek zorunda de\u011filsin. K\u0131rk y\u0131l\u0131n\u0131 geri veremem. \u00c7ocuklu\u011funda yan\u0131nda olamad\u0131m. \u0130lk bisikletini s\u00fcrerken seni tutamad\u0131m. Mezuniyetlerinde orada de\u011fildim. Bunlar\u0131n hi\u00e7birini de\u011fi\u015ftiremem.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sesim titredi.<\/p>\n

\u201cAma bundan sonra izin verirsen hayat\u0131nda olmak isterim.\u201d<\/p>\n

Caner\u2019in g\u00f6zleri doldu.<\/p>\n

Uzun s\u00fcre y\u00fcz\u00fcme bakt\u0131.<\/p>\n

Sonra beklemedi\u011fim bir \u015fey yapt\u0131.<\/p>\n

Cebinden telefonunu \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131 ve k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir k\u0131z\u0131n foto\u011fraf\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6sterdi.<\/p>\n

\u201cBu benim k\u0131z\u0131m, Ada.\u201d<\/p>\n

Foto\u011frafa bakarken yeniden a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Torunum vard\u0131.<\/p>\n

Ve onun varl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan bile habersizdim.<\/p>\n

Caner ac\u0131 bir tebess\u00fcmle:<\/p>\n

\u201cSan\u0131r\u0131m \u00f6nce kahve i\u00e7mekle ba\u015flayabiliriz,\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n

O g\u00fcn Nalan\u2019\u0131n evinden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda hayat\u0131m ayn\u0131 hayat de\u011fildi.<\/p>\n

Jale\u2019nin yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 do\u011fru bulmad\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Onun y\u00fcz\u00fcnden kaybetti\u011fim y\u0131llar geri gelmeyecekti.<\/p>\n

Ama zamanla \u015funu anlad\u0131m:<\/p>\n

Affetmek, yap\u0131lan \u015feyi unutmak ya da hakl\u0131 \u00e7\u0131karmak de\u011fildi.<\/p>\n

Bazen affetmek, ge\u00e7mi\u015fin geri kalan hayat\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 da \u00e7almas\u0131na izin vermemekti.<\/p>\n

Aylar sonra Caner\u2019le ilk kez birlikte Jale\u2019nin mezar\u0131na gittik.<\/p>\n

Mezar ta\u015f\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde uzun s\u00fcre sessizce durdum.<\/p>\n

Sonra cebimden onun son mektubunu \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131m.<\/p>\n

\u201cYapt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 de\u011fi\u015ftiremiyorum, Jale,\u201d dedim. \u201cAma art\u0131k ger\u00e7e\u011fi biliyorum.\u201d<\/p>\n

Caner birka\u00e7 ad\u0131m geride bekliyordu.<\/p>\n

Arkam\u0131 d\u00f6n\u00fcp ona bakt\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Sonra mezara son kez g\u00f6z gezdirdim.<\/p>\n

\u201cBenden k\u0131rk y\u0131l\u0131 ald\u0131n. Ama son anda bile olsa, kalan y\u0131llar\u0131m\u0131 bana geri verdin.\u201d<\/p>\n

O g\u00fcn mezarl\u0131ktan yaln\u0131z \u00e7\u0131kmad\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Yan\u0131mda ge\u00e7mi\u015fte kaybetti\u011fim o\u011flum vard\u0131.<\/p>\n

Ak\u015fam ise bizi evde, hayat\u0131m boyunca varl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan habersiz oldu\u011fum k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck torunum bekliyordu.<\/p>\n

Ge\u00e7mi\u015fi de\u011fi\u015ftiremezdim.<\/p>\n

Ama ilk kez \u015funu \u00e7ok net anlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m:<\/p>\n

\u0130nsan\u0131n hayat\u0131n\u0131 belirleyen yaln\u0131zca elinden al\u0131nan y\u0131llar de\u011fil, ger\u00e7e\u011fi \u00f6\u011frendikten sonra kalan y\u0131llarla ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131yd\u0131.<\/p>\n"},"alt_text":"","media_type":"image","mime_type":"image\/jpeg","media_details":{"width":620,"height":363,"file":"2026\/09\/834623r-1.jpg","filesize":176509,"sizes":{"medium":{"file":"834623r-1-300x176.jpg","width":300,"height":176,"filesize":32864,"mime_type":"image\/jpeg","source_url":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/834623r-1-300x176.jpg"},"thumbnail":{"file":"834623r-1-150x150.jpg","width":150,"height":150,"filesize":23763,"mime_type":"image\/jpeg","source_url":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/834623r-1-150x150.jpg"},"full":{"file":"834623r-1.jpg","width":620,"height":363,"mime_type":"image\/jpeg","source_url":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/834623r-1.jpg"}},"image_meta":{"aperture":"7.1","credit":"unknown","camera":"Canon EOS 400D DIGITAL","caption":"","created_timestamp":"1364658512","copyright":"","focal_length":"21","iso":"100","shutter_speed":"0.04","title":"","orientation":"1","keywords":[],"alt":""}},"post":695,"source_url":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/834623r-1.jpg","filename":"834623r-1.jpg","filesize":176509,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/697","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/attachment"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=697"}],"wp:attached-to":[{"embeddable":true,"post_type":"post","id":695,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/695"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}