{"id":517,"date":"2026-09-17T21:04:35","date_gmt":"2026-09-17T21:04:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/?p=517"},"modified":"2026-09-17T21:04:35","modified_gmt":"2026-09-17T21:04:35","slug":"kocamin-benden-istedigi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/kocamin-benden-istedigi\/","title":{"rendered":"Kocam\u0131n Benden \u0130stedi\u011fi"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\t\t<style>\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 {\n\t\t\t\tmargin: auto;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 .gallery-item {\n\t\t\t\tfloat: left;\n\t\t\t\tmargin-top: 10px;\n\t\t\t\ttext-align: center;\n\t\t\t\twidth: 33%;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 img {\n\t\t\t\tborder: 2px solid #cfcfcf;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 .gallery-caption {\n\t\t\t\tmargin-left: 0;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t\/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes\/media.php *\/\n\t\t<\/style>\n\t\t<div id='gallery-1' class='gallery galleryid-517 gallery-columns-3 gallery-size-thumbnail'><dl class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<dt class='gallery-icon landscape'>\n\t\t\t\t<a href='https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/kocamin-benden-istedigi\/gfdredfv\/'><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/GFDREDFV-150x150.webp\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" aria-describedby=\"gallery-1-518\" \/><\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/dt>\n\t\t\t\t<dd class='wp-caption-text gallery-caption' id='gallery-1-518'>\n\t\t\t\tGece yar\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 vurdu\u011funda evin i\u00e7indeki t\u00fcm sesler \u00e7ekilir, geriye yaln\u0131zca duvar saatimizin o tekd\u00fcze t\u0131k\u0131rt\u0131s\u0131 ve pencerelere vuran r\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131n f\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131 kal\u0131rd\u0131. Tam alt\u0131 ayd\u0131r, saat on ikiyi g\u00f6sterdi\u011fi her gece ayn\u0131 \u015fey tekrarlan\u0131yordu. Emre\u2019nin ad\u0131mlar\u0131 koridorda belirir, yatak odas\u0131n\u0131n aral\u0131k kap\u0131s\u0131ndan s\u00fcz\u00fclen lo\u015f \u0131\u015f\u0131k tenime vururken kalbimin g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcs kafesimi zorlayan \u00e7arp\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131 ba\u015flard\u0131. Bir kad\u0131n\u0131n evlili\u011finde en \u00e7ok arzulad\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u015fey, e\u015finin g\u00f6zlerinde o s\u00f6nmeyen ate\u015fi ve ko\u015fulsuz dikkati g\u00f6rmektir derler. Ama bu ate\u015f, her gece ayn\u0131 saatte kontrol edilemez bir f\u0131rt\u0131naya d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde, i\u00e7inizi kaplayan o kar\u015f\u0131 konulmaz \u00e7ekim hissiyle \u00fcrperti birbirine kar\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131. Yata\u011f\u0131n kenar\u0131na oturdu\u011fumda g\u00f6lgeler birbirine ge\u00e7erdi. Emre odaya girer, kap\u0131y\u0131 sessizce kapat\u0131p kilitlerdi. O an aram\u0131zda konu\u015fulmayan, adeta havay\u0131 kal\u0131nla\u015ft\u0131ran bir gerilim as\u0131l\u0131 kal\u0131rd\u0131. G\u00f6zleri \u00fczerimde dola\u015f\u0131rken, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131ndaki yo\u011funluk nefesimi keserdi. Bana yakla\u015f\u0131r, parmak u\u00e7lar\u0131 boynumun kenar\u0131ndan omzuma do\u011fru usulca kayard\u0131. Tenimin alev ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissederdim ama ayn\u0131 zamanda i\u00e7imde d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmlenen o b\u00fcy\u00fck sorunun a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla sars\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131m: Bu gece yine mi ayn\u0131s\u0131 olacakt\u0131? \u201cBana s\u00f6z vermi\u015ftin Leyla,\u201d derdi f\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131yla. Sesi \u00f6yle derinden ve \u00f6yle talepk\u00e2r gelirdi ki, reddetmek m\u00fcmk\u00fcn olmazd\u0131. \u201cHer \u015feyi geride b\u0131rakacaks\u0131n. Zihnindeki t\u00fcm kilitleri a\u00e7acaks\u0131n.\u201d Her gece benden bunlar\u0131 istiyordu; s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131 zorlayan, beni benli\u011fimin en savunmas\u0131z, en gizli k\u00f6\u015felerine kadar soyan o rit\u00fcelleri. Ba\u015flarda bunun s\u0131radan bir arzu oyunu, evlili\u011fimizin be\u015finci y\u0131l\u0131nda kaybetti\u011fimiz o taze k\u0131v\u0131lc\u0131m\u0131 yeniden yakalama \u00e7abas\u0131 oldu\u011funu sanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Fakat g\u00fcnler ge\u00e7tik\u00e7e bu istekler \u00f6yle bir hal alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ki, g\u00fcn boyu zihnim sadece geceye kilitlenir olmu\u015ftu. \u0130\u015fteyken bile akl\u0131ma gelen tek bir bak\u0131\u015f\u0131, ellerimin titremesine, kalbimin sebepsizce h\u0131zlanmas\u0131na yetiyordu. Ne yapmam gerekti\u011fini, bu f\u0131rt\u0131nan\u0131n bizi nereye s\u00fcr\u00fckledi\u011fini kestiremiyordum. O gece, di\u011ferlerinden \u00e7ok daha a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131 hava. D\u0131\u015far\u0131da ya\u011fmur sa\u011fanak halinde ya\u011f\u0131yor, camlar\u0131 d\u00f6v\u00fcyordu. Emre yan\u0131ma geldi, dizlerinin \u00fczerine \u00e7\u00f6kt\u00fc ve ellerimi ellerinin aras\u0131na ald\u0131. Avu\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131n s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131 parmaklar\u0131mdan b\u00fct\u00fcn bedenime yay\u0131ld\u0131. G\u00f6zlerini g\u00f6zlerimden bir an olsun ay\u0131rmadan, o her gece tekrarlad\u0131\u011f\u0131 talebini f\u0131s\u0131ldad\u0131: \u201cBu gece sonuna kadar gidece\u011fiz. Hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi saklamayacaks\u0131n. Benden saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131n, en \u00e7ok korktu\u011fun o ger\u00e7e\u011fi bu gece masaya koyacaks\u0131n.\u201d \u0130\u015fte her gece istedi\u011fi buydu: Bedenlerimizin yak\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan \u00e7ok daha fazlas\u0131; ruhumun t\u00fcm \u00e7\u0131plakl\u0131\u011f\u0131, maskesiz bir d\u00fcr\u00fcstl\u00fck ve y\u0131llard\u0131r i\u00e7imde biriktirdi\u011fim o derin korkular\u0131 tek tek itiraf etmem. Her gece benden \u00fc\u00e7 \u015fey istiyordu: \u0130lki, o g\u00fcn boyunca benden saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir s\u0131rr\u0131 ona sormadan \u00f6nce kendi i\u00e7imdeki en utan\u00e7 verici zaaf\u0131 ona f\u0131s\u0131ldamam. \u0130kincisi, ge\u00e7mi\u015fin y\u00fck\u00fcn\u00fc ve evlili\u011fimizin \u00fczerinde as\u0131l\u0131 duran o g\u00f6r\u00fcnmez duvarlar\u0131 tek bir dokunu\u015fla y\u0131kacak kadar ona teslim olmam. \u00dc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fcs\u00fc ise, onu kaybetme korkumu bir zay\u0131fl\u0131k de\u011fil, aram\u0131zdaki ba\u011f\u0131 g\u00fc\u00e7lendiren bir tutku olarak kabullenmem. Aylar \u00f6nce aram\u0131zda a\u00e7\u0131lan o so\u011fuk mesafeyi kapatmak i\u00e7in bu tehlikeli oyunu o ba\u015flatm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. G\u00fcnd\u00fczleri hayat\u0131n ko\u015fu\u015fturmacas\u0131nda birbirine yabanc\u0131la\u015fan iki insan olmaktan \u00f6yle korkmu\u015ftu ki, geceleri ruhumuzu \u00e7\u0131r\u0131l\u00e7\u0131plak b\u0131rakan bir itiraf arenas\u0131na \u00e7evirmi\u015fti yatak odam\u0131z\u0131.\n\n\t\t\t\t<\/dd><\/dl><dl class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<dt class='gallery-icon portrait'>\n\t\t\t\t<a href='https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/kocamin-benden-istedigi\/gftrdfcvvc\/'><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/GFTRDFCVVC-150x150.jpg\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" aria-describedby=\"gallery-1-519\" \/><\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/dt>\n\t\t\t\t<dd class='wp-caption-text gallery-caption' id='gallery-1-519'>\n\t\t\t\tBenden sadece tenimi de\u011fil, i\u00e7imdeki t\u00fcm karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 talep ediyordu; \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc biliyordu ki bir insan ancak en k\u0131r\u0131lgan yerinden sevildi\u011finde ger\u00e7ekten iyile\u015firdi. O gece g\u00f6zlerinin i\u00e7ine bakt\u0131m. Kalbim kaburgalar\u0131m\u0131 delecek gibi atarken, aylard\u0131r bo\u011faz\u0131mda d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmlenen o son itiraf\u0131 dudaklar\u0131mdan d\u00f6kt\u00fcm: \u201cSeni her \u015feyden \u00e7ok seviyorum ama bir g\u00fcn benden s\u0131k\u0131lmandan, bu evin i\u00e7inde iki yabanc\u0131ya d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fmemizden \u00f6yle korkuyorum ki\u2026 Bazen seni kaybetmemek i\u00e7in kendimi yok say\u0131yorum.\u201d S\u00f6zlerim bitti\u011finde odada derin bir sessizlik oldu. Emre\u2019nin g\u00f6zlerindeki o yo\u011fun ate\u015f yerini derin bir \u015fefkate ve sars\u0131c\u0131 bir rahatlamaya b\u0131rakt\u0131. Elini yana\u011f\u0131ma koydu, ba\u015fparma\u011f\u0131yla duda\u011f\u0131m\u0131n kenar\u0131n\u0131 ok\u015fad\u0131. \u201cBenim her gece senden istedi\u011fim tek \u015fey buydu Leyla,\u201d dedi, sesi titreyerek. \u201cBana t\u00fcm kalbini, korkular\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7man. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bedenler birbirine al\u0131\u015f\u0131r, ge\u00e7er; ama birbirinin ruhunu g\u00f6ren iki insan asla ayr\u0131lamaz.\u201d O an anlad\u0131m ki, korkuyla arzu aras\u0131nda gidip gelen o geceler bizi bir u\u00e7uruma de\u011fil, birbirimizin en derin ger\u00e7e\u011fine ta\u015f\u0131m\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Ne yapmam gerekti\u011fi sorusunun cevab\u0131 art\u0131k \u00e7ok netti: Ka\u00e7mak ya da duvarlar \u00f6rmek yerine, a\u015fk\u0131n en saf, en d\u00fcr\u00fcst ve en cesur haline teslim olmak. O gece, ya\u011fmurun sesi alt\u0131nda, aram\u0131zdaki t\u00fcm kilitler sonsuza dek \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcld\u00fc.\n\n\t\t\t\t<\/dd><\/dl>\n\t\t\t<br style='clear: both' \/>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":518,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-517","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-foto-galeri"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/517","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=517"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/517\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":520,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/517\/revisions\/520"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/518"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=517"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=517"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.denizcakmak.com\/hbr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=517"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}